Answer the Call

Question: Are you on your assignment?

 

Book question derived from: Wounds in the Way: Transcending Limitation (Unpublished)

 

Answer: I wish I could say a powerful yes to this but I can’t. I’ve been writing for over 18 years, published five novels, hosted several panel discussions and I’m currently working towards producing my first feature film. Based on that, you’d think my answer would have been yes. Up until recently, it was more of a yes and no. I was saying yes to the smaller assignment but saying no to the larger one. What most people don’t know is that my only dream at one point was to become a hermit. That is until God put a red light on the path I was on and forced me to take a good look at my life. I entered a spiritual journey of change not only to become a better version of myself but to discover and recovery my gifts. The struggle to change was educational. While I achieved some goals, I let some progress slip away when things didn’t work out as I thought they would. God recently put another red light my path telling me it’s time to shift and be about my larger assignment. I had to backtrack to figure out how I successfully changed the first time as well as identify where I went wrong so I could move to the next level as instructed. In doing that, I realized I’d cataloged my struggle to change but I had not written my vision and made it plain. I went through my journal entries and pulled out the questions that helped me begin to change and developed a deep dive questionnaire as well as a personal strategy workbook to help me write my objective in a plain manner so I could check my progress and stay on track.

 

What I didn’t realize was God was setting me up to stop making excuses and get on my assignment. Every valid reason I gave God for not being on my assignment to share my experience with others and help facilitate their dreams and polish their gift, God shut down. I reminded him of my Lupus which makes it hard to commit and be consistent. Lupus is a mixed bag of unpleasant things. Usually no warning shots are fired to let me know that I’m about get to handed something out of the bag. So I did my assignment on a small scale sharing my experience with limited people. What I didn’t realize is all I was doing was positioning myself to execute my assignment. No matter how times I tried to offer God people who were more qualified to complete the assignment I found it falling in my laps. I attended a conference where there were quite of few people like me in the room. In their words, I could hear the fear of failure, the fear of no longer being accepted by those they love, the fear of succeeding and the list goes on. What seeing their fears did for me was help me recognize mines. I was scared of being wrong about my assignment. I was even more scared of being right about my assignment. It requires me to be more transparent then I was ready to be. I was also of afraid of saying the wrong things as well as having my words be misinterpreted. At the conference I made a statement that was that partial untrue. I could not correct my statement because the exercise ended. Although the room moved on to next activity, my mind was stuck on my .5% failure rate. While 99.5% of what I said was true that .5% was feeding my fears like wildfire. I felt like there was enough people representing God badly and I didn’t need to add to the mix. Every failure, every mistake, every stumble, every flaw in my personality, every imperfections that my mind could produce feed my fears and kept my ducking and dodging my larger assignment. God had to remind via the speaker at the conference of something he had already told me. He didn’t want me to wait until I got myself together. God was not looking for perfection. He was expecting me to have enough faith in him and his assignment on my life to choose to move in my imperfections. So I’m here knees knocking because God has rejected every valid reason aka excuse and said its time for me to show up despite all the reasons I believe I should stay in the shadows.

 

The moment I decided that I was going to stop dragging my feet, the challenges started to occur. First my laptop keyboard went out so I decided to use my sister’s laptop whenever I had a chance. Then I got what started as a headache and became a face ache, there was no functioning with that so I was out of commission for the day. I finished my Polish Your Gift Series downloads and was planning be on periscope. On the night before I was scheduled to scope my good friend lost her dad. I went to hospital to support her and despite the lack of sleep I was still planning to start actively moving in my assignment. When time came, I wasn’t function properly so I said I’d do it Sunday. Unfortunately, Saturday night my Lupus flared. Half my lip was swollen for no apparent reason and started breaking out. However, I decided I’d do the scope even if I looked like the elephant man. Sunday through Thursday  I was extremely sick. I wanted to complete the task despite not feeling my best because I was committed to the assignment but I also didn’t want anything to happen during a live broadcast to gross the viewers out. I was planning to do it when I landed in the city that the conference was in but my flight was delayed. I said I would do it before the conference but technically difficulties ate into my time. Returned to room for my conference planning to do what I said but I started coughing so I begin to wonder if was a physical reaction to not wanting to follow through.

 

Was I now using my illness as an excuse not to start the talk series which is a major part of my current assignment? This is why it so important to be in an environment that feeds your dreams. As determined as I was, with each challenge doubt begin to creep in slowly wearing on my determination. I had to read and listen to things to feed my determination so that I wouldn’t shift to a place where my challenges became my excuses for not executing my assignment. Honestly I didn’t want to offer what has now become my Polish Your Gift Discovery Series. God had to remind me I’d never know who it would help if I don’t put it out there. I had to remind myself everyone is as jaded and critical as me. In my life, it too me a while before I enlisted assistance to keep me going during this process of change. It wasn’t until a year or two ago that I accepted I had gone as far as I could on my own. I had to invest money in getting assistance to help me to do the things that I was hoping I could change God’s mind on. I’m not going to lie, change is frustrating.

 

I had a dream that a little girl was trying to climb a wire fence but keep falling to the ground. The father wouldn’t allow anyone to help her. He simply told her, “it will take some time.” Basically what he was telling his daughter is don’t give up. It takes to build endurance and develop the skill necessary to accomplish your goal. I’ve been like that little girl ready to give up because I’d try failed repeated. Most time people give up when their almost at their goals because they are so fatigued from the previous attempts but if they don’t give up and continue to push they can make it. Some days I found myself face down in the dirt. Others days I find myself scaling the fence with no problem. Each level of change is different some levels. I’d blow through some levels with no problems, others I ‘d struggle for what felt like an eternity to win the battle before moving on to the next level. So over the next few weeks I will be on assignment, answering the call and sharing my struggle with change in attempt to polish my gift. One thing I do know, is when you are on your assignment lives can be changed. Last year I had plan to publish the book that I’d promised the readers when God told me to publish the book I co-wrote with my sister. It’s sparked something within her and now she has now created a writer up guide for those who want to write a book but don’t know where to begin. She is also creating e-courses to help people get started writing their books. You never know what completing your assignment will mean to someone else until you do it.

 

It was until the morning after the conference that I realized that God was waiting for the true revelation of what He had been telling me to hit me square in the chest. I’ve been making this about me. What I did and didn’t want to do. What I’m not. What I thought and felt. Yet it’s not about me. People keep saying develop products and services that your future clients needed. What I do has always been about my life and my journey, I didn’t know how to shift out of that. I couldn’t see how I could help anyone when I was constant state of pushing myself to get it together and move to the next level. That is until after the conference, I had to realize God created my journey to help someone else on theirs. However, He needs me to step out of the shadows in order for them to find me.

 

Summary of Lessons:

      God isn’t looking for perfect he wants us to move in our imperfection.

When we are determined to achieve a goal challenges along the path become motivation when we are not it become excuses to stop.

Each level of change is different some levels are easy for us than others

When you are on your assignment,  other people lives can be change. You can inspire them to get on their assignment. Or you can let them know they are not alone on the journey to be the best version of themselves they can be.

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